Baseball & Cousins

 Hi Jack & Charlie!

Well my friend just sent me a couple of awesome pictures that your mom posted.  I am amazed with each picture I see just how grown up you are getting.  I wish I could come and watch you play ball.  I loved it when you were just little whipper snappers.  I can only imagine how much fun you are having now.

I wanted you to know that your Auntie Brandi and I have been talking a lot over the past couple of months.  Her and Uncle Tom seem to be moving forward with their separation and divorce.  I'm unhappy about that, but sometimes things just don't work out like we would like.

She's invited us to bring the trailer to San Diego in a few months to see her and Olive and Opal.  Right now it looks like February into March of 2023.  I'm very, very excited to see them all!  I do worry about you guys, though.

If we start seeing them more often, one of these days when you are visiting with them Olive or Opal is likely to say something about Papa and Nana.  I don't want you to be hurt or sad if this happens.  If your mom would allow it, Papa and Nana would be seeing you and taking care of you every single week just like we used to do.  I hope you know without a doubt that we miss you terribly and are sad every day that we don't get to see you.  We love Olive and Opal just like we love you both and I wish that we could be with you, too.

I'm holding out a little hope that by some turn of events your mom might soften her heart and let us be together again.  Possibly if her and Brandi get to talking, or maybe if Olive or Opal do say something that you guys hear, maybe there's a chance.  Jack and Charlie and Papa and Nana are too good together for us to be apart forever.  At least that's what I feel in my soul.

I love you both so much my heart hurts!

Papa

Missing my two favorite boys in the whole world

 Hi Jack & Charlie!

I've been missing you so much lately.  My friend sent me this picture of you guys and I decided to write.

My goodness, Charlie!  You are sure growing up.  It looks like you're trying to catch up to Jack!  Life for me and Nana is pretty much the same.  We both just work and miss you guys and wish something would happen so that we could see you and be with you again.  We don't get to see Clara & Coraline very much at all.  Your uncle Scott can't get past his anger with Nana and won't forgive her for what she's done.  It's not as bad as what your mom has done.  At least I get to talk to Scott from time to time.

Auntie Brandi and uncle Tom have been having troubles and are talking about a divorce.  I sure hope that they can figure out a way to remember why they fell in love with each other in the first place.  I've been there and it's really hard.  I'm just lucky that Nana and I found our way back to each other.  We are still very much in love and get along wonderful with each other.  Next month Nana and I will have been married for 27 years.  I don't know if I could survive the heartache of missing you if it weren't for her.

Brandi has been reaching out to me more than usual as she tries to cope with the situation with her and Tom.  She even lets us see her and the girls via FaceTime.  It's a poor substitute for seeing them in person, but I have to take what I can get.  I'm hoping sometime soon we'll be able to take the trailer and stay in San Diego for a while and try to make up for lost time with them.  I worry that Olive or Opal might say something about Papa or Nana when they see you.  If they do, I hope your feelings don't get hurt.  Just know that if your mom would let me in your life, I'd be there every single week just like before.

I've all but given up hope that your mom will let me see you again.  I'm hanging on to a thread of hope that one day you'll find your way to my blog posts and connect with me again.  Once you turn 18 I'm going to actively try to find you and see you again.  I just hope I'm still alive by then.  You'll be adults and she can't keep me from you at that point.  I just hope you won't have forgotten me.  It's been almost four years since I saw you both.  Jack, if you still remember Papa please help Charlie to not forget.  Just the thought that you might forget me brings tears to my eyes.

I love you both more than anything in the world and I miss you so very, very much.

Love, Papa

You boys are growing up!

Hi Jack and Charlie,

It's been a while since I've written, but I still think about you every day and every night.  Another friend of mine sent this picture of you guys with melons and sitting in front of an old red truck.  I absolutely can't believe how much you have grown.  Jack, you're looking tall and filled out and more and more like a grownup every time I see a picture.  You're turning into a handsome young man.  Charlie!  You are shooting up like a weed!  I can't believe how tall you are getting.  You still have that wonderful smile that melts my heart.

 I love you both so very much and my heart and soul misses you more than words can describe.

I'll always be your Papa and I hope I get to see you again some day.

 

 

Happy Birthday Charlie Bear!!

 Hi Charlie!

I cannot believe that you're having another Birthday tomorrow.  You are turning 8 years old!  The last time I got to see you, you were 4-1/2 years old.  This is the most recent picture I have of you.  My little Charlie Bear has grown up so much!

I'd give anything...and I mean anything...to have been able to be with you the past 4 years the way we were.  I miss you so much.  My heart just breaks over and over.  It was so wonderful being with you back then!  You filled my life with happiness & joy.  Being away from you just kills me.  I keep telling myself that 'At least I have my memories of you'.  I do love those memories and I'm so grateful that I have so many pictures of us together.  I have to admit that it still makes me so sad.  I hope you still remember me.

Charlie, so much time has gone by that I don't even know anymore what your life is like.  I hope so much that you are happy and joyful and healthy and that you and Jack are still best buddies.  Even though I can't be with you, I hope you have the happiest birthday ever!

I love you with all my heart and I always will!

Your Papa

Charlie Bear!

 Hi Charlie!

I've been laying in bed trying to fall asleep and I just can't.  I keep reliving an afternoon at your house when we were playing upstairs.  I think Jack was either playing a video game, or absorbed in a movie or maybe he had drifted off into a short nap.

In any event, you and I were laying on a pile of pillows in your playroom.  We used to pile them up and layer them with blankets then you and Jack would jump off the couch and land in the pillow pile.  Anyway, you were playing with something...maybe a stuffed Star Wars character or something like that.  I was close to you and you asked me "Why aren't you part of my family?"  I replied that I was and asked why.  You told me that in order to be part of your family I would have to live in your house with you, and that you wanted me to live with you.

My heart totally melted then and it's totally melted every time I think about that over the years and my heart is totally melted right now.  I miss you so so so so so so much.  There are just simply no words to explain.  You and Jack were my whole world.  There's nothing I wanted other than to be with you and play with you and take care of you.  I could have lived my whole life doing nothing else.  I love you and ache for you more than I can find a way to say.  I really don't know how to live my life without you in it.

You're going to be 8 years old next month.  It hurts so much not to be a part of your life.  The thought that you might not even remember me one day soon makes me break down and cry tears of such sorrow.  I wish there was some way to bring time back to what it was then.  Maybe I could figure out what I could have done differently so that I could be with you again.

Charlie, I love you with all my heart.  I miss you with every fiber of my being.  I will never forget you and I will never stop dreaming about you when I finally do fall asleep each night.  I hope that somehow you'll remember your Papa and that somehow, some where we'll be together again.

Love, Papa

Happy Birthday, Jack Primo!

Well, I just had my 64th Birthday a couple of weeks ago.  But much more important than that is that today you are 10 years old, Jack!  I absolutely can't believe that it's been 3-1/2 years since I've seen you.  At that time you were talking about how you're grown up and all the things you can do since you were 6-1/2 years old!  I can only begin to imagine what you are up to now that you're 10!

I would give anything to be able to be with you and Charlie.  I miss you so very much that it hurts.  I still dream about you and think of you many times each day.  I never knew that I could miss anyone as much as I miss you and Charlie.

Up until October of 2018 I always knew exactly what was going on with you and what you liked and didn't like and your favorite games and TV shows and what your favorite foods were.  With each passing month and year I'm less and less aware of who you are now.  If you're reading this, you might get the feeling that I barely know you since I talk more about who you were to me and less about who you are now.

I guess that's to be expected with the situation being what it is.  I'm very aware of that and it makes me all the sadder thinking that the chasm between us grows wider every year.  As I've said so many times before, my greatest wish is that someday I'll be able to see you again and grow close to you like I was in the past.

I miss you and I love you so very much.  Happy Birthday, Jack!

Love, Papa