Fruit Snacks Forever

Power Rangers.  Justice League.  Scooby Doo.  Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  Paw Patrol.  Super Mario Brothers. Despicable Me.  Hot Wheels.  Jurassic Park Dinosaurs...especially the Dinosaurs!

You boys LOVED your fruit snacks.  When you were learning to talk you called them "moon yaks"!  I think more than anything you loved that Papa always had your favorites in his pockets.  Sometimes my cargo shorts were filled with ten different kinds and always at least two of each so that whatever you picked, I'd have at least one for the both of you!

Some days you would ask me if I had fruit snacks before you even said "Hi" to me.  Sometimes you'd stick your hands in my pockets without saying a word!  Sometimes you asked if I had them even if you didn't want one right then.  Sometimes you'd coyly ask if there was something in my pockets.  Sometimes you'd tell me that you "heard" something in my pockets..."what was that noise in your pockets, Papa?"

Sometimes you'd want to empty out my pockets just to lay them out and see how many I had.  Sometimes you'd make sure I had my pockets full before I took you to school and then again right when I picked you up from school!  No matter what, by the end of the day you'd had a few packages of fruit snacks.  I always had my pockets full of them, but every single time I saw you you'd ask if I had them.  I think you loved that Papa was always consistent in how I treated you, cared for you and loved you.  Fruit Snacks was just one of the ways I manifested that and a way that you could feel that love as a young child.

It's been over two years since your mom has let me see you, care for you and love you.  The picture here is all the fruit snacks I still have in my trailer for you as of today.  For the first year after she took you from my life, I still carried Fruit Snacks in my pockets when I left home.  I thought that by some wonderful chance I might run into you at the store or somewhere in town.  I imagined that if that happened you would run to me for a hug and inevitably ask if I had Fruit Snacks.  I wanted to be prepared and not let you down by not having them in my pockets.

Over the past two years I've worn out the packaging by having them in my pockets, threw those away and loaded up with the ones I always kept at home so I wouldn't run out.  I guess I'd reached a point a year ago where I had to stop keeping them in my pocket.  Instead of a hopeful feeling that I might see you, I was filled with sadness.  I guess now after more than two years it should be time for me to discard all these boxes of Fruit Snacks, but I can't bring myself to do that just yet.

When I took all these boxes out of the cupboards, it brought back happy memories and put a smile on my face.  Unfortunately that smile gave way to tears.  I miss you both so very, very much.  I'll hang onto these Fruit Snacks for another year or so and see what happens.  No matter whether I have these in my cupboard or not, I will always have the memories that they bring back.  I hope that you still have memories of your Papa and that they are good ones.  I especially worry about you Charlie because you were so young when your mom decided to keep me away.  I will always remain hopeful, even though you were so young...we saw lots and lots an lots of each other and you both loved me as I love you.  Maybe the memories were strong enough to survive in your hearts as you grow older.  I love you Jack and I love you Charlie.

Playgrounds

 Hi Jack & Charlie!

Papa & Nana are still traveling in our trailer.  We are spending a few weeks in Florida with Nana's dad.

We've been driving around and sight seeing today with them.  We saw three playgrounds that were really, really cool.  Two of them looked like Pirate ships.

Seeing them made me think of you guys of course.  Since Jack was little, everywhere I would go I would look for nice parks and playgrounds where I could take you.  Same with Charlie when you were little, too.

Mostly it just made me miss you, as pretty much everything does.  I wish so much you were in my life and I could be taking care of you, taking you to parks & playgrounds....just being with my two best little buddies in the whole world.

I miss you more than words can ever describe.  I hope you are happy but I also selfishly hope that you haven't forgotten me.  I love you Jack & Charlie...

Papa

You are growing up so fast!

Hi Jack & Charlie!  One of my friends sent me this picture that your mother posted on Instagram.  As you know this is the only way I've been able to half-way keep up with you guys.  I can't believe how much you've grown up since I saw you two whole years ago.  Especially you, Jack.  You look way too grown up in this picture!  I just want to scoop up both of you and hug you and hold you forever.  I miss you both so very much.

Nana & I are in Nebraska this morning in Papa's trailer.  We'll be in Missouri tonight and then on to Alabama to visit with my cousins.  There's Rhonda & Ronnie, Rod & Amy and Darryl & Twanya.  Jack, you met all of them when I brought you to Mississippi when your dad was in flight training for the Air Force.  Charlie, you met them all as well, but you were a newborn baby then!

Our road trip is going well, but it would be perfect if you two boys were traveling cross country with us.  There is nothing in the world that would make me happier.  I miss you both, I love both of you with all of my heart and my heart aches to see you again.

I love you,

Papa

Everything reminds me of you!

 Hi Boys!

Nana and I are on a trip in our trailer.  We've spent the last month in a different state, South Dakota.  We like it here very much and actually bought a piece of land in the town of Hot Springs about 3-1/2 years ago.  Our plan was to build a little house on it and rent it out for income.  We were also going to put a cement pad on the back of the lot so that we could park our trailer there when we visited.  That all got put on hold, so I don't know what we're going to do with it.  For the time being we'll just keep it and see what happens.  We are staying at a KOA RV park near Hot Springs for this trip.

We find that everywhere we go and everything we see and do reminds us of you!  We either see something that we know you would like or do something we know you would like.  Yesterday morning I got up early and drove to a town called Custer.  There were hot air balloonists flying up above Hot Springs.  That made me think of your Uncle Scott because when he was about your age he would go with me early on the weekends for one of my jobs and we would often see hot air balloons.  Pretty much anything that reminds me of Scott reminds me of you guys.  He was fun and wonderful and loving and sweet...just like my two little buddies Jack & Charlie!

Last week Nana & I went bowling.  Bowling always makes me think of you because you used to love to bowl with me and also because that was one of the last things I got to do with you boys.  There's a national monument here called Mount Rushmore.  I think of you because I wish I could bring you there to see it just like I took your mom, Aunt Brandi & Uncle Scott to see it when they were little.

There's a dinosaur park near here and right in Hot Springs there is a Mammoth site that is an ongoing "dig" but you can tour the site and even see people working on it.  The Mammoth skeletons are awesome and I would love to have the chance to bring you to see it.

Real close to here is an Air Force base called Ellsworth AFB in the town of Box Elder.  Anything to do with the Air Force reminds me of your dad which of course reminds me of you.  They have a nice little air museum there that I wish I could take you to see.

Of course, since we now live in our trailer every day makes me think of you.  I still have pictures up all over the place of you guys.  I'll never forget how much you loved to come to "Papa's Trayuh" when you were very little.  You loved to eat lunch here, watch Donald Duck, take naps and chase me around the kitchen island!  Those times are so precious to me and I try to focus on my wonderful memories of my two best buddies, Jack & Charlie!

As always, I miss you terribly and my heart & soul aches to be with you.  I still dream of you nearly every night and I continue to hang on a thin strand of hope that I'll get to see you again one day.  I love you, Jack & Charlie!

Echoing what I've already written

 Hi Jack & Charlie!

I want so very much to be more positive when I write you.  My problem is that the joy of my memories with you both often times lead me to anger, frustration and sadness that you are being kept from me.

Most all of my friends know you and know the situation your mom has put us all in.  Sometimes it's brings a chuckle when I am with them and we remember you or something that you did or something that you said.  It brings a flood of love in my heart.  My memories of you both are absolutely my most cherished thing in the whole world.  I hope someday that those wonderful, wonderful memories will stop triggering the wave of sadness that comes over me.  I'm crying right now and am still amazed at how much I miss you and ache for you and love you both.

You both have been such an important and joyful part of my life since the day that each of you came into this world.  I struggle so much at not having seen you for nearly two whole years.  I know how you must be growing and learning.  I know that if I was with you right this minute that we'd be rolling around on the floor playing and laughing and enjoying life.  I can only hope that will happen again some day, but I fear that it won't.  I only hope that I live long enough till you're both of the age where your mom can't keep you from me and that you can make your own choices whether to see me or not.

I think I need to start sending pictures along with my writing.  Maybe it will help keep me more positive and not such a "downer" when I write!  

As always, the one thing I want you both to know is that I love you with all my heart.  I always have and I always will.  You will NEVER be forgotten and you WILL be thought of and remembered every single day for as long as I live.

I love you Jack and I love you Charlie!

Papa

Thinking of you always

Hi Jack & Charlie.  You might have noticed that sometimes I write more frequently than others.  The truth is that sometimes it hurts too much to even write.  Every single time I sit down to try to talk with you through this blog I cry.  I miss you both so very much.  I can't even begin to describe it.  Someday when you have grandsons and granddaughters of your own you will surely understand.  Just because I don't write you everyday doesn't mean that I don't think about you every single day of my life.  I miss you and my soul aches to be with you again.  I love you Jack & Charlie.

Charlie Bear

Hi Charlie!  Last night a friend of mine sent me a picture of you that your mom had posted on Instagram.  You were in your Annunciation sweater and ready for the Baccalaureate Mass.  I'm not sure what that is, but you looked so grown up and handsome.  I cried when I saw your picture.  I consume myself with work and as the days and weeks go on I feel like the chasm between us grows.  Then out of the blue my friend sends me a picture and I feel more connected to you.  I let myself hope that some day we'll connect again.

I worry that by now your memory of me may be fading.  The last time I saw you was Ocober 24th of 2018.  It won't be long til that will have been two whole years.  Two years of loving you and playing with you and caring for you that we'll never get back.  I get so angry because this is so wrong and there's no justification for it.

Charlie, I love you and Jack to death and I always will.  I ache to see you both again and I hope with every fiber of my being that some how, some way we'll be in each others' lives again.

Love,
Papa

Jack Primo Heinze

Good Morning, Jack!

I was just thinking about all the great times you and I had together in Mississippi before and after Charlie was born.  It still makes me think twice whenever I realize that you were born in Stockton and that Charlie was born in Columbus.

Every day I would get up in my trailer and would drive onto the Columbus Air Force Base where your dad was in flight training.  I'd go to your house there on base and pick you up and we'd spend most of the day together.  I would pack an ice chest and have water and snacks for you.  You sure did love your Goldfish crackers!  We'd say bye to mommy and daddy and head out.

We would usually do pretty much the same thing every day with slight variations.  We would go to one of the playgrounds on base and play together for a couple of hours.  You were very social and loved it when other kids were playing too.  You would say to them "Hi Guys, I'm here!" as though they knew you.  It was way too cute.

You would want to play with them, but you always wanted me in the middle of it all as well.  You'd always look back and say "Come on, Papa!".  I so looked forward to every single day!

Once we'd finish playing and taking breaks for a drink and snacks, you'd always let me know that you were all done playing.  Depending on the time, we would drive around base and I'd find a place to park so we could watch the airplanes.  You really, really loved the airplanes.  You'd often ask if I thought your daddy was in one of the planes we watched.

Sometimes you wanted to have lunch at McDonald's and play in their playground and other times you wanted to go to "Papa's trayuh"...that's how you pronounced trailer...so cute.  Eventually I could tell just when you were ready to doze off.  More often than not you wanted me to put Donald Duck movies on the TV.  I'd put you to bed and watch them with you till you fell asleep and took your nap.

We'd usually play in the fifth wheel when you woke up.  The trailer had an island kitchen and you used to love to chase me around the island.  It's amazing how much you liked being in the trailer with me.  Depending on the time, we might go to the park again or just go home.  I'd usually stay and play at your house for a while.  Sometimes we'd load up mommy into my truck and go run errands together.  Sometimes I'd stay and have dinner, sometimes not.

You and I were inseparable and I looked forward to every day.  I stayed in Mississippi with you guys for 3 or 4 months while Charlie was growing and things got easier for your mom to handle.  I loved that time so much and I love remembering that time with you.

Jack, you were my very first grandchild of the six that I have.  I love you more than life itself and I miss you every minute of every day.  My heart aches to be with you and Charlie and the only thing that keeps me going is the hope that we'll be together again someday.

I love you forever and always...Papa

Charles Dean Heinze

Well, Charlie Bear.  This week marks another Birthday for you that Papa missed.  You turned six years old on Tuesday!  The last time I saw you you were just about 4-1/2 years old.  Being away from you and Jack so long breaks my heart a little more every single day.  The only thing that keeps me going is the hope that I'm clinging to that I might get to see you again some day.

The time I've missed has been so hard.  I wish I were with you right now rolling around on the floor together and playing with you.  I hope you still remember me.  We always had so much fun together and the days of the week I got to see you were always the best days of my life.  I miss you so much!

You used to correlate living in your house with family.  It was so cute.  You asked me once how come I wasn't part of your family.  I told you that I was!  You said "but you don't live here with us.  I want you to live here with us!"  Then you told me you wanted to come live with me at my house "in the mountains".  You and Jack were always the sweetest, most loving kids I could ever imagine.  I hope that you can keep that love in your hearts no matter what life might throw at you.

No matter what and no matter if you remember your Papa or not as the years pass, you will ALWAYS AND FOREVER live and be loved in my heart.

I hope you had a Happy Birthday and I love you, Charlie.

Hi boys!

It's taken me a while to get back and write you about this.  It's so ridiculous and it hurts so much what your mother did.  It's just hard to write about it all, but I need to so you know what I know as far as why I haven't been able to see you in such a long time.

You knew my mom as Grandma Jimmie.  She loved you guys so much and your mom was very special to her.  A long, long time ago I remodeled mom's house so that she had areas available to rent to people so that she could get some income in her retirement years.  Your mom stayed in one of those areas for a while while she was in college and your mom and my mom grew very, very close.

Mom had always had me help her and be responsible for her affairs in case she were to ever get sick or whatever.  I'd been helping her this way since before 1984.  I had her Power of Attorney.  I was executor of her Wills over the years.  I was in charge of her Advance Medical Directives as well.  With the help of her attorney, she set up a Living Trust so that all of her affairs could be taken care of in the case of severe medical conditions or death.  I was an equal Trustee of all of that along with my mom.

All that is to say that my mom trusted me completely to take care of her and her affairs for more than 30 years without interruption.  She knew and trusted that when the time came, I would do EXACTLY what she wanted done.  No matter what other family members might think at the time, she knew in her heart that I would abide by her wishes and her wishes alone.

In 2018 during one of mom's doctor visits, the doctor gave her a limited cognitive test.  Basically a test of her brain because mom was becoming increasingly forgetful and would repeat herself often.  Her doctor told me that mom absolutely was suffering from Dementia and explained a bit about the disease to us.

Mom was really unhappy to hear about this and didn't want to believe it.  She was a very independent person and hated the thought that her mental faculties were deteriorating.  We had lunch afterwards and I told her she shouldn't worry about it too much and that we can check with the doctor to see if there was medications or vitamins she could take to help.  We also talked about getting a second opinion from another doctor who was more expert in that field.

Basically we were treating it as nothing to panic about and life would go on.  However, mom did mention the diagnosis to my sister, Kathy.  That's when all Hell started breaking loose.  I don't think I can fully describe what a horrible person Kathy is.  She used to yell and scream at mom.  Telling her she was going to burn in Hell for this, that or the other.  There's honestly so much that went on between Kathy and mom that I can't even describe it all.

My mom used to call Kathy "Satan" and never trusted her.  Kathy's daughter, Jocelynn, lived with my mom off and on for years.  She stole from mom and emotionally abused her.  She took advantage of her mentally and physically.  It was horrible. Mom called the police many times, but always backed down when it came time to remove Jocelynn from the house.  It was tough on all of us, but none of us could do anything about it because it was mom's decision in the end to let her stay there.

That is all to preface the Dementia diagnosis. Within days of hearing that diagnosis, Kathy and Jocelynn started working on mom. Telling her that I was taking advantage of her and that I tricked the doctors into saying she had dementia and that I was stealing all her money.  Stupid, ridiculous stuff.  They seemed to think she had a lot of money.  She had a savings that was going to help her if she got really sick, but that's about it.

Anyway, they convinced mom to take money out of her Trust checking account and use it to open up another account that they would have access to.  It was terrible.  Poor mom didn't know what to think and apparently her Dementia was far enough along that they could influence her like that.

So the Bank got hold of me and told me what was going on.  They agreed to lock down the accounts until the situation got sorted out.  They agreed to cut individual checks for mom's bills, I just had to bring in the bills so they could see that they were really for mom.  Then they would cut a check and I could send it in to the power company or whoever it was for.  I had to pay mom's bills that way for almost two months.

During that time, I had to get mom's attorney involved.  He said that he sees this type of behavior all the time in families.  I couldn't believe family members would act this way, but evidently it's common.  Anyway, I had to bring him the doctors' certifications that mom had Dementia and wasn't able to make large decisions or financial decisions without help.  This is exactly the type of thing that mom had me in place to deal with.

Once presented to the Bank, that freed up everything to continue to work as it had been for years.  At that point everything was back to normal just as it had always been.  Kathy & Jocelynn didn't let up on trying to confuse and convince mom otherwise, though.  It was difficult for me because I knew that mom would never have believed I'd do anything wrong by her, but I just had to wait it out, knowing that I was doing exactly what I was supposed to do.

Things started to settle down a little bit until one day mom fell in the house and broke her hip and had to go to the hospital.  That started a series of events and setbacks that eventually led to her death about six months later.

During that time your mom got involved in trying to help my mom while she was in the hospital.  Mom was still being confused and abused by Kathy & Jocelynn and spoke to your mom about me and telling her she thought that I had done this, that or the other.  Stuff that Kathy & Jocelynn were trying to convince her of.

This is a VERY long story, but the gist of it is that your mom believed what Grandma Jimmie was saying.  Your mom told me that she didn't care what my mom wanted or set in place one year or 5 years or 30 years ago.  All she cared about is what mom said NOW.  That is the problem with Dementia and with families.  I was doing exactly what mom wanted when she was thinking clearly.  Your mom was acting and believing what her Grandma was telling her and it didn't matter that because of this horrible disease, mom wasn't thinking correctly.

It also didn't matter to your mom that I had ABSOLUTE PROOF that I had done nothing wrong.  Your mom reacted emotionally and was not interested in talking to me or seeing the proof I have or anything else.  She only cared about what mom had said while in the throes of Dementia.  Your mother didn't even have the courage to confront me, talk with me, or listen to my side of all this in person!  She told me in a nasty email that she was no longer going to maintain a relationship with me or let me be part of her family.

What hurts so very much about all of this is that, of all people, your mom should have known better.  She knew Kathy.  She knew Jocelynn.  SHE KNEW ME!  She and your dad trusted me to care for both of you boys all the time.  I came over and watched you and played with you and took care of you almost every single week...often times multiple days of the week.  Especially when your dad would be deployed for 60 days in the Air Force.

I made you breakfast and got you ready for school.  I took you to school.  I picked you up from school.  We'd go to lunch together.  We'd play all afternoon when you were in school until your mom came home from work.  If you didn't have school, we'd play together all day.  Before Charlie started going to school, I'd drop Jack off and play with Charlie until it was time for Jack to be done.  Me and Nana would take you to the park to play.  To the Zoo.  To the Bounce House.  All over the place!  Your mom trusted us to care for you and to keep you safe.

We had so much fun together!  We loved you boys and both of you loved us.  We were as close as a family could be.  I loved seeing your mom so often and I love and respect your dad so much.  Even when Josh & Laura had marital problems from time to time...as all couples do...one or both of them would come to me for help.  We were all that close!

This is why your mother should have known better.  She should have talked to me in person instead of breaking our relationship by email like a coward.  She should have given me a chance to PROVE that what I was saying was the truth.

Be that as it may, your mom did what she did.  I think she used what Nana did wrong to help her justify in her mind what she did.  I maintain that there is no valid reason in the world for her to have torn me away from you boys.  We were so close and everybody knew it.  You boys knew all of our friends as did your mom and dad.  We ALL were close.  NOBODY understands why Laura did what she did.  Least of all me.  I can't even imagine how it must have been for you two.  It brings tears to my eyes every time I think of it.

I know this has been a long read.  The unfortunate truth is that there is so much more that went on, but this is pretty much how things went.  I love you Jack and I love you Charlie more than words can ever describe.  I will NEVER stop loving you and hoping that some day we can be together again.  I miss you so much.  My heart aches for you.  I love you.

Well, I got to thinking that I should probably tell you why I think your mom has cut me out of your lives.  Probably best to get that nasty experience over with.  Someday, unless your mom changes her mind sooner and lets be back in, I hope you will read all of this and draw your own conclusions.

First I better probably talk about your Nana.  I'm not sure what your mom has told you, but this is how it went.  Jana (your Nana) went a bit crazy when you were about to come into this world, Jack.  She had always had a close relationship with her Grandmother and dreamed of having that same closeness with you and future grandkids.

We had a really big house up in the mountains in a town called Groveland.  Papa designed and built the house in a golf course community there called Pine Mountain Lake.  I built an entire room just for grandchildren...even though at that time none of my kids were even married yet!

Anyway, Nana went bananas decorating with pictures, stuffed animals, clothes, furniture...the works.  She was thinking that you would be up there a lot of the time, at least summers and stuff.  It quickly became apparent that was not going to happen and you guys spent very little time up at Pine Mountain Lake with us.  Mostly we came down into Stockton and spent time with you there.

Nana got a bit depressed about that and decided (against my wishes) to get a dog.  I imagine to give her something to love and care for.  That became a fiasco because we were in the mountains and the dog, Izzy, had to stay indoors.  Nana didn't really train the dog and it was really actually becoming a problem in our marriage.  Those days were dark and very, very rocky for me.  Nana and I had many problems and Izzy and Nana's depression just made it worse.

The only reason I mention all of that is that it led to what came next.  Nana decided she was going to open up a doggy daycare business in a town not too far away called Sonora.  She called the business Pet Paradise.  That put even more of a strain on our marriage because she had no business experience at all and wouldn't listen to me or anyone else when trying to plan out Pet Paradise.  I was a building contractor at the time and she even refused to listen to me when it came to how much everything was going to cost!

Sooo...she went ahead with the project which drove our marriage even further apart.  Soon we were pretty much living separate lives although we never actually got divorced.  Of course the project cost so much more than she had thought.  By then she had closed out a $90,000 retirement account, had taken out massive business loans and was getting deeper and deeper in debt.  I was aware of the retirement account, but nothing else at that point.

That's when she started doing something really, really bad.  She asked the man who owned the company she was still working for a large loan.  He thought about it and said no.  She then started "cashing in her vacation" here and there trying to keep the business afloat and pay off her debts.  That wasn't enough so she finally started paying herself double paychecks from time to time.  Eventually she was doing that all of the time.  That means she was literally stealing money from that company.

Apparently she was so far in debt that hundreds of thousands of dollars were going into Pet Paradise and the rest of the money was going to our house payment & other bills just like before she started taking the money.  I didn't know anything about what she was up to until she got caught.  She told me...and I believe her...that she had no idea how much she had taken and that she always believed Pet Paradise would be a success and that eventually she would start paying back the money to the company.

She was charged with Grand Theft because of the amount of money she embezzled.  She admitted to the judge what she had done and went to jail.  She was incarcerated for about a year and then was on probation for another year.  She's "paid her debt to society" as they say and continues to make monthly payments to the court and will continue to do so as long as there is more owed than what she has paid.

I was in shock throughout this.  The District Attorney talked with me and told me that this happens all of the time.  It's always someone you would never think would do that and they always think they'll pay back the money.  They get in over their head and eventually get caught.

Anyway, there's so much more to this than I could ever write in one sitting.  Initially your mom was wonderful and supportive of Nana.  She would even visit her in jail and said that she forgave her.  You both asked about Nana all of the time.  The story your mom and I told you was that "she couldn't be here because of work".  That was a version of the truth because you were both too young to understand it all.  Apparently your mom took back that forgiveness and used, in part, what Jana had done as an additional reason to lock me out of your lives.

I've written so much and I'm going to give you and me a break.  When I write next I'll tell you what I actually think your mother believes that I did wrong.  I love you Jack and Charlie and I miss you every moment until the end of the Earth.  I will go to sleep tonight with you on my mind.

Hi Jack and Charlie!

This is your Papa. I'm writing this Blog hoping that some day you will find it online and know that I've always loved you and have never stopped loving you.  I miss you both so much and I cry almost every day because I cannot be with you.

It's been well over a year since your mom has allowed me to see you or even talk to you.  This is the only way I can think of to communicate and I'm also hoping that writing to you might help to ease my daily pain.  I've heard the saying before that people think they're dying from a broken heart.  I'm sure that's not literal, but that's how I feel inside.  I hurt inside and I ache to see you and hug you and be part of your life.  As I write these words tears are running down my cheeks.  I can't help it.

The one thing that keeps me going is the hope that one day your mother will let me see you again. Or that I get lucky and run into you somewhere.  Or that I live long enough to be able to see you when you get old enough and don't need your mothers permission.  If those things never happen, this blog is my last hope to reach you and let you know how much you are loved and missed.

I also hope that as you get older that you might hear about me from the family. Your mom's sister and brother, Brandi and Scott are, of course, my son and daughter as well.  They do not agree with what your mom has done, and so far I am still part of their lives.  That means I'm also still "Papa" to your cousins Olive & Opal and Clara & Coraline. Maybe when you get older you will get to know that I am still around, still close and still available to be with you at a moments notice.

I'm sure I'll repeat myself often as I update this.  I feel much of the same feelings every day and every night. There is not a single day that goes by that I don't think of you and miss you.  When I dream at night, almost always I dream about you both.

As I write this, Jack you are 8 years old.  When I saw you last you were 6-1/2 and you thought you were getting so old and that you could do this, that or the other now that you "were six and a half".  You were so awesome.  The last time I was allowed to speak to you on the phone was your seventh birthday.  I hope that you haven't forgotten me and that as you grow older you will always remember your Papa.

Charlie, you are going to be 6 years old later on this month.  I haven't been able to see you in nearly a year and a half.  I worry that as you grow older that you might not remember me, but I sure hope that you do. You will always be my little Charlie Bear.

One of the last times we were together I took you both bowling...at your request.  You both were so cute!  I took some videos on my phone.  I'll try to figure out how to post a video on this Blog so that you can see some of that day.

Your mom even cut me off of social media so I cannot see pictures of you and see what you are up to.  There is a social media service called Instagram that is real popular and I know your mom posts pictures on that.  I am lucky in that I have a few friends who your mom has not "cut off" and they still see pictures and updates on both of you.  Those friends also think that what your mom has done is wrong and unfair and they take screen shots of those Instagram photos and send them to me.  Other than that I have absolutely no updates on you and how you're growing up.

I'll talk later about what your mom has done and why I think she's done it.  No matter what you've been told, I have done absolutely nothing to deserve being cut out of your lives.  Your mom has hurt me in ways that no one has ever hurt me or could ever hurt me, but she is still my daughter and I will always love her and hopefully I will have the chance to forgive her for what she has done and become part of your lives again.

I'll tell you about Nana and about my mom who you knew as Grandma Jimmie.  I'll write about work and travel and my feelings and about life as I know it.  I imagine that mostly I'll write over and over about how much I miss you and how loved that both of you are.  I'll post pictures and videos that I have that bring back such good memories of you.

Even though I'm crying as I write these words, it still feels good thinking that someday you might find and read these words. And hopefully remember.  Jack, you were my first grandchild.  Charlie, you and Jack are my only Grandsons.  I love you both to the ends of the earth and I will always do everything in my power to stay as close to where you are as I can, just as I always promised you when we were together.

I'm going to head off to work now.  You will be on my mind all day.  I love you Jack Primo and I love you Charlie Bear!