Harder and Harder as Time Marches On

 Hi Jack and Charlie!

You both have been on my mind so much lately.  I'm feeling my mortality and can't help but wonder if I'll ever get to see you again.  I find myself increasingly despondent and depressed as days turn into months and months into years.

I miss you so much that my heart aches.  After all these years the tears keep coming to me and I find myself unable to control them.

I suppose I sound like a broken record having said all this before.  I just can't get over the grief I feel without you in my life and not being a part of yours anymore.  Sometimes I really can't see how I can continue on without you both.  I was so happy and full of joy when we were together.  Now I just have a big hole in my heart that cannot be filled.

I just don't even know what else to say.  I love you both more than words describe.

Papa 

Happy Birthday Charlie!

 Eleven years old...I can't hardly believe it.  You were just 4-1/2 last time I saw you.  I still miss you terribly.  I loved the time we had together and I think about you every day.

I had dinner with Auntie Brandi last week and we talked about you.  She wishes that she could see you more often but understands how busy your life has become.

I often wonder what occupies your days what with school, sports and other activities.  With each passing year I can't help but wonder if you even remember me at all.  I know I've said this before, but most of my thoughts of you are based on the past and not the present.  I know that you were the sweetest, fun and loving little boy when last I got to be with you.

On rare occasions I see a picture of you and am just so amazed how grown up you're getting.

Charlie, I wish I could be part of your life.  I'm 67 years old now and I hate to say it, but being away from you and Jack depresses me more and more.  You filled my life with joy, but now the hole in my heart just keeps growing bigger without you.

I love you Charlie and I will till the day I die.

Papa

Jack Primo Heinze it's your Birthday!

 Good morning, Jack!

Papa wants to wish you a very Happy Birthday.  You are officially a teenager as of today!  I can only begin to imagine how grown up you've become.  I had a dream about you last night.  In it you looked sort of between six and what I would guess you'd look like at thirteen.  Your dad was also in the dream and he was nice to me.  I miss him and your mom, too.  But I miss you and Charlie the most.

I don't even know if you remember me or not at this point.  If you do, I hope somewhere in your heart you know that Papa loves you and missed you so much.  I hope you know that you are and always will be loved and cared for.

Nana and I talked about you this morning and looked at pictures of you.  We both love you and miss you forever and ever.  More than anything we hope that you are happy and healthy.  It's hard but we haven't given up hope that somehow our paths will cross and we'll get to see you and tell you in person how much we've loved and missed you.

Happy Birthday Jack!

Love always, Papa