You're 14 years old today, Jack!

Happy Birthday, Jack

You're 14 today.  Hard to believe.  Last time I got to see you you were 6-1/2 years old.  That means I've been kept out of your life for more years than I was in your life.

Normally I should be excited for this birthday milestone.  I should be able to be up beat and happy for you, which I am in the hopes you have a great celebration.

The reality for me is that I'm more sad, despondent and depressed than I've ever been in the 68 years of my life.  As always I sound like a broken record.  I can't hardly contain myself because I miss you so much.  The hole in my heart is bigger and deeper than I can bear sometimes.

 I still dream about you and Charlie and I still cry every week that passes.  I miss you both so very much.  As time passes I find it harder and harder to stay hopeful that someday and somehow I'll get to see you again.  That hope is what keeps me going, but it just keeps getting more difficult living my life without you in it.

I do hope you have a Happy Birthday and I'm sending you every ounce of love I have to give.  You and Charlie are a huge part of my world.  I miss you and I love you dearly.

Papa 

Harder and Harder as Time Marches On

 Hi Jack and Charlie!

You both have been on my mind so much lately.  I'm feeling my mortality and can't help but wonder if I'll ever get to see you again.  I find myself increasingly despondent and depressed as days turn into months and months into years.

I miss you so much that my heart aches.  After all these years the tears keep coming to me and I find myself unable to control them.

I suppose I sound like a broken record having said all this before.  I just can't get over the grief I feel without you in my life and not being a part of yours anymore.  Sometimes I really can't see how I can continue on without you both.  I was so happy and full of joy when we were together.  Now I just have a big hole in my heart that cannot be filled.

I just don't even know what else to say.  I love you both more than words describe.

Papa 

Happy Birthday Charlie!

 Eleven years old...I can't hardly believe it.  You were just 4-1/2 last time I saw you.  I still miss you terribly.  I loved the time we had together and I think about you every day.

I had dinner with Auntie Brandi last week and we talked about you.  She wishes that she could see you more often but understands how busy your life has become.

I often wonder what occupies your days what with school, sports and other activities.  With each passing year I can't help but wonder if you even remember me at all.  I know I've said this before, but most of my thoughts of you are based on the past and not the present.  I know that you were the sweetest, fun and loving little boy when last I got to be with you.

On rare occasions I see a picture of you and am just so amazed how grown up you're getting.

Charlie, I wish I could be part of your life.  I'm 67 years old now and I hate to say it, but being away from you and Jack depresses me more and more.  You filled my life with joy, but now the hole in my heart just keeps growing bigger without you.

I love you Charlie and I will till the day I die.

Papa

Jack Primo Heinze it's your Birthday!

 Good morning, Jack!

Papa wants to wish you a very Happy Birthday.  You are officially a teenager as of today!  I can only begin to imagine how grown up you've become.  I had a dream about you last night.  In it you looked sort of between six and what I would guess you'd look like at thirteen.  Your dad was also in the dream and he was nice to me.  I miss him and your mom, too.  But I miss you and Charlie the most.

I don't even know if you remember me or not at this point.  If you do, I hope somewhere in your heart you know that Papa loves you and missed you so much.  I hope you know that you are and always will be loved and cared for.

Nana and I talked about you this morning and looked at pictures of you.  We both love you and miss you forever and ever.  More than anything we hope that you are happy and healthy.  It's hard but we haven't given up hope that somehow our paths will cross and we'll get to see you and tell you in person how much we've loved and missed you.

Happy Birthday Jack!

Love always, Papa

Merry Christmas Jack 'n Charlie 2024

 Hi Jack and Charlie! 

Well another Christmas is here without my two favorite boys.  My friend sent me a picture and I can't believe how tall you've gotten Jack.  And Charlie, what a cool hair do you're rocking!

We are down in San Diego with Auntie Brandi, Olive and Opal.  It's so wonderful to be able to see them and spend some time with them.  I have to admit the hole in my heart left by you two boys can never be fully healed, though.  I love Opal & Olive so much but I'm still filled with sadness and I miss you boys so very, very much.

I think about you both every single day and when I dream at night, I dream of you.  I'll never be able to fully describe how much I miss you and ache to see you.  I hope you never have to face that kind of sadness.

I can't help but wonder if either of you still remember me at all.  It's been over six years since I've seen you and I just miss you terribly.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year and I love you with every fiber of my being.

Papa

Always on my mind

Hi Jack & Charlie!

As always I hope you boys are happy and healthy.  And as always I miss you so bad it hurts.

There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about you two.  I know I've mentioned before that I have a digital photo frame on the wall in my trailer.  Every day I walk by it and most days there are pictures of you an me together.  On those days I stop and watch a few pictures go by and remember.

I think I kind of let myself hope that when I wrote that last letter to your mom that something might change in her and I might get to see you both finally.  Losing that hope has made me so sad.  I'm trying to hold onto hoping for the possibility that I could see you once you turn 18 and your mom can't keep you away from me anymore.  It's so hard though.  You may not even remember much of me now let alone in six more years.  I don't even know if I'll still be alive in six years but I'm going to try.

Nana misses you both so much and regrets so much her role in all of this.  I have long since forgiven her and we are doing well.  I think we each lean on the other at times to make it through another day.

As I've said before, my memories and recollections are all about how you both were six years ago.  I really don't know the young men you've become and I so wish I did.  The time we've lost from one another can never be recovered.  I love you both with all my  heart and I always will.

Missing you terribly,

Papa

Happy Birthday Charlie!!!

 Hi Charlie!

Well, another year has gone by already.  Today you are 10 years old.  I can only imagine what your life is like...you were only 4-1/2 the last time I saw you.  My life has a great big hole in it that just won't heal.  I miss you so much I can't even find the words to describe it.

I get an occasional picture of you from one of my friends and an odd tidbit from Olive or Auntie Brandi.  I appreciate every thing I hear or see about you but it still hurts so much.  You are missed more than you can imagine and loved even more.  No matter what, you are still my little Charlie Bear.

It's been so long since I tried to get back into your life.  I've been thinking the last few months that I'll try to write your mom another letter asking what, if anything, I can do to see you again.  I'm actually kind of afraid because I've never gotten a response from her.  Only silence.  But I miss you and Jack so much that I have to try again.

I hope you are happy and that your Birthday is the best ever!

I love you,

Papa