Merry Christmas Jack & Charlie!

 Hi Jack & Charlie!

Well, today is the day after Christmas.  I thought about you boys all day yesterday (as I do every day).  I miss you terribly but I sure hope you had a great Christmas.  I imagine you saw you uncles, aunts, cousins and grandparents.  I wish we could have been a part of your day.

My friend sent me this picture yesterday.  I can't believe how much you've both grown.  I love you more and more each day.  I miss you more and more and remain hopeful that I'll get to see you and we can be together again one day.

I love you both,

Papa

So Many Pictures and So Many Memories!

 Hi Jack & Charlie!

Whenever you find this blog and read these letters, I hope you are doing well and are healthy and are happy.  Might be too much to ask for, but I also hope to be part of your lives by then as well.

I've spent this morning doing paperwork and watching the pictures come up on the digital photo frame I have hanging on the wall of the trailer.  There are SOOOO many wonderful memories of time spent with you!  You will never be forgotten and no matter what I will always, always, always love you and miss you and dream of you.

We've pretty much settled into the new fifth wheel trailer.  You guys would love it so much!  There's a lot more room than in the old trailer.  There's a big living room with theater seating and lots of windows and a nice big tv and sound system.  I still have all the Disney movies and all the other movies you used to love to watch.  If the Universe is kind to me, maybe before too long you'll get to come spend time with us.

We are doing well.  Jana loves you and misses you as much as I do.  We are lucky to have each other through these past few years which have been tough on both of us.  I still work for the RV park in Manteca and Jana still does Door Dash.  We both made sure that our work could always be paused at a moments notice in case we might get to see you.

Papa is getting older though and I'm not as fast as I used to be, but I'd give a million bucks to run around the house or the trailer or the park and play with you again!

I love you, Jack and I love you, Charlie!!!

Papa

Halloween

Hi Jack & Charlie!

My friend sent me this picture of the two of you dressed for Halloween.  You both look awesome!  It looks like you have a dog that I've not seen before.  He makes a good Wookie!

I have to admit to falling into a bit of melancholy again.  I'm starting to realize that what your mom has done by not letting me seeing you has impacted your Uncle Scott & Auntie Brandi as well.  I was worried that this might happen.  If I am able to have a relationship with Olive, Opal, Clara & Luna, they would be bound to talk about Papa & Nana around you boys and that would probably cause you sadness and result in more questions.  So in a way I guess I understand.

It's just so completely unfair since I have done nothing to deserve being cut off from all of my grandchildren.  Sometimes I get so depressed that I find it hard to hold on to a reason to live let alone be happy.  I miss you so much.  My life revolved around you boys and my granddaughters and it's just so hard for me to handle.  If your mom could wake up and realize the pain she's causing for no real reason, I would be so happy.  As angry as I am with her, I would forgive her in a single heartbeat. 

Well, I'm sorry to go on like this again.  Ugh!  I love you both and miss you like crazy.  I still dream about you all the time.  I love you Jack & Charlie!

Papa

 

 

Rainy Day

Hi Boys,

It's a rainy & windy Sunday morning.  I've spent the past couple of weeks moving into and setting up my new trailer.  You would like it.  There's a whole separate living room with big TV and fireplace and there would be lots of room for us to play.

I've spent the morning going through all of my pictures to put on a digital photo frame.  There's not a lot of empty wall space to put up lots of pictures, so I'm putting up the digital frame and am loading it with hundreds and hundreds of pictures.

I have so many pictures with so many memories with you boys, your mom & dad, your aunts, uncles and cousins and friends throughout the years.  It brings back so many of our times together in my mind.  They make me laugh, smile, cry and feel a bit melancholy.  I've missed so much time with you and I will never, ever be able to get those years back.

As you know, my greatest hope in life right now is that some how, some way I'll get to see you again.  Maybe if I do we can look at some of these picture memories together.  I'm sure you'll have lots of pictures and memories to share with me of the time we've been away from each other.

I'll never, ever be able to say it enough.  I love you with every fiber of my being and I miss you both so very much.  There's a hole in my heart that will never be filled until I see you again.

Papa

Remembering our times together

 Hi Jack & Charlie!

Well, Papa & Nana are buying a new fifth wheel trailer.  I'm not sure if I ever mentioned it, but we live full time in our RV and travel around the country to see friends and family that we have in California, Nevada, South Dakota, Ohio, Florida, Alabama, Mississippi and Texas.  We've had our old trailer for 9 years now.

It's been 3 years since I've been allowed to see you.  I miss you both so very much.  I have so many memories of playing with you in the RV, swimming at the RV parks, lunches, naps and lots of Donald Duck cartoons!

I wanted to make a short video for you.  You may not remember this RV, but we had lots and lots of fun times together and I'll always cherish every memory I have of you both.

I love you Jack and I love you Charlie

Papa

Even when I'm sad you make me smile!

 Hi Boys,

This continues to be a tough year for Papa & Nana.  We both miss you so much and it's easy to get sad and depressed because we're not allowed to see you.

However, even though three years have passed since I got to be with you, you are still able to make me smile and laugh and be happy with the memories of you.

I'm going to try to figure out how to send a video that includes the very last time we got to be together.  The first part of the video was when I took you to Toys 'R Us for your Birthday "Shopping Spree".  It was such a joy to follow you around the store and watch you interact and play with each other.

There's video of us playing at your house as well as some video in the bouncy house.  Nana & I took you there more times than we can count.  You loved it there.  We were there so often that the owner knew the four of us by name!

The last part of the video is the very last day I got to see you.  I took you bowling...you LOVED to go bowling!  I remember it like it was last week.  I'm SOOOO glad that I took this video.

I've said it so many times and I'll say it so many more as I continue to write you.  I love you.  You both were the absolute joy of my life and there are no words to express how much I miss you and think about you EVERY SINGLE DAY.  

I've been depressed and discouraged this past year and the feeling that I may never see you again is more than I can bear.  Looking at pictures and videos with you both is all that really keeps me going sometimes.

I love you Jack.  I love you Charlie.  I hope you are happy and healthy.  I also hope that by some miracle your memory of me hasn't faded away with time.

Love forever and ever, Papa

 

 

 

 

So many things remind me of you!

Hi Jack & Charlie!

I got a storage bin out from the loft in the 5th wheel this morning.  There I came across the diaper bag and a swimming bin that I had for you boys.  As I was going through them I sure was reminded of you and our times together!

Inside the diaper bag was yogurt raisins, Skittles, M&M's, Ritz Crackers and Cheezits!  There were spoons, a pacifier and a bib.  You each had super hero insulated water bottles.  The odd assortment of cremes and sun screen.  It reminded me of just how involved I was in your lives back then.  You were under my care countless times and I made sure I always had the do-dads needed to take care of you.

There was a swimming bag with beach towels, assorted float toys, balls, hats, swimming suits, swim shirts and of course lots of sunscreen!  And of course an assortment of toys, blankets, and other stuff so that I was always prepared to keep good care of you.

It struck me just how very close we were and how much your mom & dad trusted me to take care of you and keep you safe.  It was so depressing to realize just how much has changed...and for no good reasons!

I miss you both so very much and I'll never be able to find the right words or be able to say them enough to come close to how I feel.

I hope you both are happy and healthy but I also hope that you haven't forgotten your Papa.

I love you Jack and Charlie!

A New Puppy!

 Hi Boys!

My friend that sometimes shares Instagram posts with me sent this shot of Charlie with the new puppy.  Charlie, you have grown so big.  At first I thought it was Jack laying down with the puppy.  God, I miss you both so very much!

You won't remember them, but your mom did.  My favorite Aunt and Uncle live in Ohio.  She is my mom's younger sister.  She has dementia like Grandma Jimmie did and she also has cancer.  They've given her only 4-6 months to live.  We are making an unplanned trip out to see them in May.  We weren't planning on seeing them till next year, but that has changed.

She reminds me so much of my mom when I talk to her on the phone!  I'm so sad that she is so sick.  My cousin warned me that she may not even recognize who I am because of the dementia, but I know she'll be happy to see me nonetheless just like my mom was before she passed away.

Life is just so very short and I am very sad that it's almost been 3 years since you mom has let me see you. I hope you both still remember me, especially you Charlie.  I think Jack was old enough when all this came about, so I'm forever hopeful that your memory of me has not faded.

I love you both more than words can describe and I'm ever hopeful that I'll get to see you again before it's too late for me, too.  You both are always on my mind and in my heart.

Love, Papa

Always in my Dreams

 Good Morning, Jack & Charlie!

I had a great night last night.  All night long I dreamed of you boys.  We were all at some large party for some reason.  It seemed like it took place in two big barns, so I was always looking for you.

In my dreams you were both still the same size and age as I when I last saw you last and my dreams were "in color".  I know you're much older now, but I guess that's just how my dream world was working last night.

Jack, in my dream when I first saw you, you looked puzzled.  Like you were wondering where I had been for so long.  I still got to hold you and hug you many times.  Charlie, you were asking the same question, but you threw yourself at me and we hugged and tickled and loved being together again.

You both are always in my dreams.  I miss you so very, very much and I love you both more than life itself.  Till my dream comes true, I will love you and miss you and think about you.

Love forever and ever,

Papa

Birthday pictures!

Hi again, Jack!  I've told you about my friend who will send me pictures from time to time that your mom shares on Instagram.  She sent me these last night.  My goodness how you've grown!

I love you with all my heart, Jack...

Papa

Happy Birthday Jack Primo!

I can't believe it's already time for another Birthday, Jack!  You are 9 years old today and the last time I saw you you were a bit over 6-1/2 years old.  On a hunch I checked your mom's FaceBook page and found a recent picture of you.  I am amazed how much you've grown up these past few years.  I continue to miss you so very much.  I have to be honest and tell you I've been even more depressed than usual this past week knowing that your birthday was coming up today.  You've been in my dreams every single night lately.

I hope you are happy but I also hope that you haven't forgot your Papa.  I always send you Birthday and Christmas cards but I imagine that your mom just throws them away when they come to your house in the mail.  I want somehow to let you know how much you are loved, missed and cared for.  Jack, you have been at the center of my life since you were born.  There with you in the center of my whole world is your brother Charlie and your cousins Olive, Opal, Clara and Coraline.  Jack, I will never ever ever ever forget you or stop loving you.  I will also never ever give up all hope that I will see you again someday, somehow.

I love you, Jack and I will be thinking about you every single minute of the day today on your 9th Birthday!

Papa