This is your Papa. I'm writing this Blog hoping that some day you will find it online and know that I've always loved you and have never stopped loving you. I miss you both so much and I cry almost every day because I cannot be with you.
It's been well over a year since your mom has allowed me to see you or even talk to you. This is the only way I can think of to communicate and I'm also hoping that writing to you might help to ease my daily pain. I've heard the saying before that people think they're dying from a broken heart. I'm sure that's not literal, but that's how I feel inside. I hurt inside and I ache to see you and hug you and be part of your life. As I write these words tears are running down my cheeks. I can't help it.
The one thing that keeps me going is the hope that one day your mother will let me see you again. Or that I get lucky and run into you somewhere. Or that I live long enough to be able to see you when you get old enough and don't need your mothers permission. If those things never happen, this blog is my last hope to reach you and let you know how much you are loved and missed.
I also hope that as you get older that you might hear about me from the family. Your mom's sister and brother, Brandi and Scott are, of course, my son and daughter as well. They do not agree with what your mom has done, and so far I am still part of their lives. That means I'm also still "Papa" to your cousins Olive & Opal and Clara & Coraline. Maybe when you get older you will get to know that I am still around, still close and still available to be with you at a moments notice.
I'm sure I'll repeat myself often as I update this. I feel much of the same feelings every day and every night. There is not a single day that goes by that I don't think of you and miss you. When I dream at night, almost always I dream about you both.
As I write this, Jack you are 8 years old. When I saw you last you were 6-1/2 and you thought you were getting so old and that you could do this, that or the other now that you "were six and a half". You were so awesome. The last time I was allowed to speak to you on the phone was your seventh birthday. I hope that you haven't forgotten me and that as you grow older you will always remember your Papa.
Charlie, you are going to be 6 years old later on this month. I haven't been able to see you in nearly a year and a half. I worry that as you grow older that you might not remember me, but I sure hope that you do. You will always be my little Charlie Bear.
One of the last times we were together I took you both bowling...at your request. You both were so cute! I took some videos on my phone. I'll try to figure out how to post a video on this Blog so that you can see some of that day.
Your mom even cut me off of social media so I cannot see pictures of you and see what you are up to. There is a social media service called Instagram that is real popular and I know your mom posts pictures on that. I am lucky in that I have a few friends who your mom has not "cut off" and they still see pictures and updates on both of you. Those friends also think that what your mom has done is wrong and unfair and they take screen shots of those Instagram photos and send them to me. Other than that I have absolutely no updates on you and how you're growing up.
I'll talk later about what your mom has done and why I think she's done it. No matter what you've been told, I have done absolutely nothing to deserve being cut out of your lives. Your mom has hurt me in ways that no one has ever hurt me or could ever hurt me, but she is still my daughter and I will always love her and hopefully I will have the chance to forgive her for what she has done and become part of your lives again.
I'll tell you about Nana and about my mom who you knew as Grandma Jimmie. I'll write about work and travel and my feelings and about life as I know it. I imagine that mostly I'll write over and over about how much I miss you and how loved that both of you are. I'll post pictures and videos that I have that bring back such good memories of you.
Even though I'm crying as I write these words, it still feels good thinking that someday you might find and read these words. And hopefully remember. Jack, you were my first grandchild. Charlie, you and Jack are my only Grandsons. I love you both to the ends of the earth and I will always do everything in my power to stay as close to where you are as I can, just as I always promised you when we were together.
I'm going to head off to work now. You will be on my mind all day. I love you Jack Primo and I love you Charlie Bear!
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