Well, I got to thinking that I should probably tell you why I think your mom has cut me out of your lives.  Probably best to get that nasty experience over with.  Someday, unless your mom changes her mind sooner and lets be back in, I hope you will read all of this and draw your own conclusions.

First I better probably talk about your Nana.  I'm not sure what your mom has told you, but this is how it went.  Jana (your Nana) went a bit crazy when you were about to come into this world, Jack.  She had always had a close relationship with her Grandmother and dreamed of having that same closeness with you and future grandkids.

We had a really big house up in the mountains in a town called Groveland.  Papa designed and built the house in a golf course community there called Pine Mountain Lake.  I built an entire room just for grandchildren...even though at that time none of my kids were even married yet!

Anyway, Nana went bananas decorating with pictures, stuffed animals, clothes, furniture...the works.  She was thinking that you would be up there a lot of the time, at least summers and stuff.  It quickly became apparent that was not going to happen and you guys spent very little time up at Pine Mountain Lake with us.  Mostly we came down into Stockton and spent time with you there.

Nana got a bit depressed about that and decided (against my wishes) to get a dog.  I imagine to give her something to love and care for.  That became a fiasco because we were in the mountains and the dog, Izzy, had to stay indoors.  Nana didn't really train the dog and it was really actually becoming a problem in our marriage.  Those days were dark and very, very rocky for me.  Nana and I had many problems and Izzy and Nana's depression just made it worse.

The only reason I mention all of that is that it led to what came next.  Nana decided she was going to open up a doggy daycare business in a town not too far away called Sonora.  She called the business Pet Paradise.  That put even more of a strain on our marriage because she had no business experience at all and wouldn't listen to me or anyone else when trying to plan out Pet Paradise.  I was a building contractor at the time and she even refused to listen to me when it came to how much everything was going to cost!

Sooo...she went ahead with the project which drove our marriage even further apart.  Soon we were pretty much living separate lives although we never actually got divorced.  Of course the project cost so much more than she had thought.  By then she had closed out a $90,000 retirement account, had taken out massive business loans and was getting deeper and deeper in debt.  I was aware of the retirement account, but nothing else at that point.

That's when she started doing something really, really bad.  She asked the man who owned the company she was still working for a large loan.  He thought about it and said no.  She then started "cashing in her vacation" here and there trying to keep the business afloat and pay off her debts.  That wasn't enough so she finally started paying herself double paychecks from time to time.  Eventually she was doing that all of the time.  That means she was literally stealing money from that company.

Apparently she was so far in debt that hundreds of thousands of dollars were going into Pet Paradise and the rest of the money was going to our house payment & other bills just like before she started taking the money.  I didn't know anything about what she was up to until she got caught.  She told me...and I believe her...that she had no idea how much she had taken and that she always believed Pet Paradise would be a success and that eventually she would start paying back the money to the company.

She was charged with Grand Theft because of the amount of money she embezzled.  She admitted to the judge what she had done and went to jail.  She was incarcerated for about a year and then was on probation for another year.  She's "paid her debt to society" as they say and continues to make monthly payments to the court and will continue to do so as long as there is more owed than what she has paid.

I was in shock throughout this.  The District Attorney talked with me and told me that this happens all of the time.  It's always someone you would never think would do that and they always think they'll pay back the money.  They get in over their head and eventually get caught.

Anyway, there's so much more to this than I could ever write in one sitting.  Initially your mom was wonderful and supportive of Nana.  She would even visit her in jail and said that she forgave her.  You both asked about Nana all of the time.  The story your mom and I told you was that "she couldn't be here because of work".  That was a version of the truth because you were both too young to understand it all.  Apparently your mom took back that forgiveness and used, in part, what Jana had done as an additional reason to lock me out of your lives.

I've written so much and I'm going to give you and me a break.  When I write next I'll tell you what I actually think your mother believes that I did wrong.  I love you Jack and Charlie and I miss you every moment until the end of the Earth.  I will go to sleep tonight with you on my mind.